My Paleo Progress

Well, I'd like to be really definitive and say "Oh my gosh, Paleo has cured my PCOS and changed my life." Unfortunately, it either hasn't had a chance to really work yet, or it's not going to cure my PCOS.

First, let's look at the positives. To date, I have lost 34 pounds and kept it off. That's good news. I can't remember the last time I was 174 (although I am pounds away from my wedding weight). It's so nice to not have to limit myself to the two pairs of fat jeans I have. Rather, I have a closet full of clothes that fit easily and are comfortable.

I feel better. I simply do not have the aches and pains that have crept up the more into my 40's I get. It's clearly the paleo because when I cheat (i.e. shore trips, Disney World etc...) the pain comes back. To that measure when I go clean again, the pain disappears.

When I am "eating clean", food does not control me, I control it. The constant hunger associated with traditional dieting simply does not exist. I can eat until I am full and I stay full. What's more, I actually recognize that I am full and not hungry ( a big problem with insulin resistance).

I may or may not be ovulating (I need a couple of more months on non-medicated cycles to see), and ovulating at the proper time. In the past, regardless of how much clomid the RE's have prescribed, I never O'ed earlier than cd 23. That's not good really. It's harder to get *and stay* pregnant. Miscarriage rates are much higher with a late ovulation. Since going Paleo, my O date has moved from cd 23 to cd 17 to Cd 14. This month, being on a lesser dosage of soy instead of clomid ( I took 80 mg soy cd 3-7 which is the equivalent of 100 mg clomid instead of the 150 for 8 days which is what I've been taking).....I may have ovulated on cd 16 which would be amazing. I'll know my Sat if my temperature stays sustained.

All really good points in the positive column for Paleo. So what's in the negative side?

Well, I'm not pregnant. But I did appear to have a chemical pregnancy on a non-medicated cycle...kinda. The clomid really can stay in your system so it *might* have been that. But really, I've always needed a truck load to have a strong enough ovulation to conceive. That month was just left overs, yet my 7 dpo progesterone was a strong healthy 20. That's just a huge success despite a bfn in the end.

The other disappointing news was that while all bloodwork came back healthy (A1C of 5, TSH of 1.2, blood pressure, 120/80) my high triglycerides remained just that - very high at 358. This is where I go AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!

In the past, usually when I walk regulary, it seems to control the triglycerides. Well, I've been walking, very regularly and it didn't seem to matter. Should the Paleo have nixed this? I dunno. But's it frustrating. My "good" cholesterol was 47 - I touch low, and my "bad" cholesterol was fine - around 148 I think. So the dr prescribed 4000 mg of fish oil a day and a repeat of bloodowrk in 3 months to see if it's helping.

So what do I think? I really don't know, but my gut tells me to give the Paleo longer to work. If it's one thing that *is* predictable about my body it's that it doesn't work the way it should, and a lifetime of insulin resistance has wreaked havoc with it. It was a mess when I started and the more I think of it, the more I think it was a miracle I was ever able to get pregnant successfully once, let alone twice.

I wish I could have a more definitive answer for you PCOS'ers out there searching for answers. But that is the kicker behind PCOS, isn't it, there are no clear cut answers. What it does to one of us, it does something completely different to the next gal. And what wonder drug might be a miracle for one, doesn't work at all on the next.

So the end result is, my goal to get to 160 remains and I will continue on paleo for at least 3 more months *but I suspect longer).

Hello again

Wow, had it really been a month since I've written? I guess I should really just write an update.

When last I wrote, It was the week before the wedding in Disney World and I was waiting to test from my last medicated cycle, hoping it was finally positive since I didn't know if I would have the chance to take clomid again. I knew it would be negative though because all my cervical mucous had clearly dried up (thank you clomid).

Sure enough, the hot was negative and so I was faced with a week of trying to be happy in "the happiest place on earth" knowing I had failed once again. I think I did a fairly good job of not being a "debbie downer" the whole time and being there actually did distract me a bit from the disappointment.

Until it was time to leave...

I wanted to stay longer just so as to avoid the realization that my last medicated cycle had failed and I now faced a future of not being able to get pregnant. It was depressing and sad and I decided it was time to seek help.

I had run my blood work the week before I left and had my check up the day after we got back (that's tomorrow's post where I will talk more about paleo and the results). I asked for medicinal help with my depression.

You see, I've sought counseling help in the past and the recommendation was to get on a script. I always resisted - until now. Now, I didn't want to go and dwell over the fact that I was not going to get pregnant ever again, that I wouldn't get to hold that baby I longed for...I didn't want to drag it out over the next year. I have found that while initially the counseling helped, now it just makes me sad as I rake over and analyze the sad and sorry details. I just wanted to stop feeling sad and focus on the good things I had in my life, namely my husband and kids.

But it was a huge mistake. I explained that while we weren't actively trying with fertility drugs any longer, we weren't preventing either, and I didn't want something that could potentially harm a baby. So Celexa was prescribed.

I actually sat on the filled script for two days before actually starting. I still wasn't sure I wanted to try medication. There is no stigma these days for taking medication for depression, and it's proven very helpful for many many people. Still, I didn't want that for myself.

Also, I had doubts. In the past, I knew I was sad but didn't have a reason for it. When Rob would ask me "Why are you sad?" I couldn't give him a reason. But that's not the case now, I know why I am sad. I am sad because I want to be pregnant so very badly and it's not going to happen. And I just know that if I *were* able to get pregnant with a take home baby, all that sadness would go away. It sounds crazy I know.

So was that really reason to take Celexa? And would it even work since the depression was less chemical and more "situational" as it were.

But I did take it and just 4 days later I was a zombie. No, I was worse than a zombie as I was able to do nothing. I had to cancel all plans out because I couldn't stay awake long enough to do anything. I walked out the bus stop and made the barest minimum of meals for the kids. I couldn't drive to gymnastics or karate....even if I could stay awake, I was dizzy enough that it wouldn't have been safe. My youngest spent the days in front of the television with me napping on the couch. And after sleeping all day, I still couldn't wait to go to bed that night. By the 5th day, I was sleeping 20 out of 24 hours.

Clearly I stopped and I am not completely gun shy to try anything new.

So now I am left in limbo kind of. Rob and I, while I still think we have work to do, have come a long way these past 4 weeks and are communication so much better. We may try one or two more clomid cycles (not back to back though) and he's agreed he's OK with me taking natural remedies like soy (you can take soy like you would clomid, not every day...every day is actually bad for fertility).

So on one hand, I am dealing with the sadness that I have so very little hope of getting pregnant now. Without clomid AND an IUI (because of the mucous issues) I just don't see it happening... But it's that tiny little 1 or 2% chance that I can't let go of. I can't pass on my maternity clothes, I can't pass on my baby gear, and I can't let go of the clothes Noah is continually growing out of. But looking at it all over the house is also a constant reminder.

Yup that's me...stuck right in between that rock and hard place.....again.

So that's where I am emotionally. Tomorrow I will catch you up on my physical state....bloodwork,my weight, the pcos and of course, my paleo journey (especially while in Disney World).