Hello again

Wow, had it really been a month since I've written? I guess I should really just write an update.

When last I wrote, It was the week before the wedding in Disney World and I was waiting to test from my last medicated cycle, hoping it was finally positive since I didn't know if I would have the chance to take clomid again. I knew it would be negative though because all my cervical mucous had clearly dried up (thank you clomid).

Sure enough, the hot was negative and so I was faced with a week of trying to be happy in "the happiest place on earth" knowing I had failed once again. I think I did a fairly good job of not being a "debbie downer" the whole time and being there actually did distract me a bit from the disappointment.

Until it was time to leave...

I wanted to stay longer just so as to avoid the realization that my last medicated cycle had failed and I now faced a future of not being able to get pregnant. It was depressing and sad and I decided it was time to seek help.

I had run my blood work the week before I left and had my check up the day after we got back (that's tomorrow's post where I will talk more about paleo and the results). I asked for medicinal help with my depression.

You see, I've sought counseling help in the past and the recommendation was to get on a script. I always resisted - until now. Now, I didn't want to go and dwell over the fact that I was not going to get pregnant ever again, that I wouldn't get to hold that baby I longed for...I didn't want to drag it out over the next year. I have found that while initially the counseling helped, now it just makes me sad as I rake over and analyze the sad and sorry details. I just wanted to stop feeling sad and focus on the good things I had in my life, namely my husband and kids.

But it was a huge mistake. I explained that while we weren't actively trying with fertility drugs any longer, we weren't preventing either, and I didn't want something that could potentially harm a baby. So Celexa was prescribed.

I actually sat on the filled script for two days before actually starting. I still wasn't sure I wanted to try medication. There is no stigma these days for taking medication for depression, and it's proven very helpful for many many people. Still, I didn't want that for myself.

Also, I had doubts. In the past, I knew I was sad but didn't have a reason for it. When Rob would ask me "Why are you sad?" I couldn't give him a reason. But that's not the case now, I know why I am sad. I am sad because I want to be pregnant so very badly and it's not going to happen. And I just know that if I *were* able to get pregnant with a take home baby, all that sadness would go away. It sounds crazy I know.

So was that really reason to take Celexa? And would it even work since the depression was less chemical and more "situational" as it were.

But I did take it and just 4 days later I was a zombie. No, I was worse than a zombie as I was able to do nothing. I had to cancel all plans out because I couldn't stay awake long enough to do anything. I walked out the bus stop and made the barest minimum of meals for the kids. I couldn't drive to gymnastics or karate....even if I could stay awake, I was dizzy enough that it wouldn't have been safe. My youngest spent the days in front of the television with me napping on the couch. And after sleeping all day, I still couldn't wait to go to bed that night. By the 5th day, I was sleeping 20 out of 24 hours.

Clearly I stopped and I am not completely gun shy to try anything new.

So now I am left in limbo kind of. Rob and I, while I still think we have work to do, have come a long way these past 4 weeks and are communication so much better. We may try one or two more clomid cycles (not back to back though) and he's agreed he's OK with me taking natural remedies like soy (you can take soy like you would clomid, not every day...every day is actually bad for fertility).

So on one hand, I am dealing with the sadness that I have so very little hope of getting pregnant now. Without clomid AND an IUI (because of the mucous issues) I just don't see it happening... But it's that tiny little 1 or 2% chance that I can't let go of. I can't pass on my maternity clothes, I can't pass on my baby gear, and I can't let go of the clothes Noah is continually growing out of. But looking at it all over the house is also a constant reminder.

Yup that's me...stuck right in between that rock and hard place.....again.

So that's where I am emotionally. Tomorrow I will catch you up on my physical state....bloodwork,my weight, the pcos and of course, my paleo journey (especially while in Disney World).