Day 23 - one week to go!

It seems so much longer than 23 days. I kind of feeling like I'm in the 2ww....(two week waiting after a cycle waiting to test to see if pregnant)...the first couple of days zip by unnoticed, the last 10 days dragging by.

I wonder what I am waiting for with this first magical 30 days... Do I think I will suddenly lose 50 pounds because I hit day 30? Or will I all of a sudden wake up and think, wow! I feel fabulous?

The truth is in the middle somewhere. Since I started by weight loss jouney in May, I've lost a total of 22 pound - the last 8 while eating paleo. And I am still losing on average 2 pounds a week without feeling hungry. (Deprived? yes, sometimes, I am still craving treats during certain situation...like pretzels and chocolate brownies during a my scrapbooking crop). So while I won't wake up magically smaller on day 30, I have certainly been shinking. I haven't been able to break past 188 since Noah was born, and I am now at 186.

As for feeling fabulous like so many others report.... I think I am beginning to see a glimmer. I've been visiting the Y (the gym we belong to) regularly and adding in more walks for weeks now. I've also adding weight resistance training. Usually by the point in my routine, I have to stop weights using my arms because my tendonitis always flares up. It causes excruciating pain during my day to day chores, let alone lifting weights. Now? No pain?

I keep waiting for...tentatively trying the weights, looking for the pain the following day. Nothing. Am I sore and achey from the weights? sure! But not the nerve like pain that comes with my flare ups.

While I am slightly jealous that I didn't get the overnight feeling great feeling that so many people, my husband included, have reported, I am slowly becoming a believer. I am feeling better. I don't cringe every time I pick up my two year old which means I can savor those moments that much more (I dread the day I will no longer be able to pick up my children just to hug them...already Josh is too big)

And Paleo is giving me something else too - hope and faith in myself. For the first time in many years, I actually believe I can really continue to lose more and more weight, and that I CAN DO IT. If I fall off the wagon and have a gluten free brownie at a crop (OK, I actually had three!) I can get back up again and just keep going. I CAN DO THIS. And when I order a fancy bridesmaids dress for my sister's wedding, one made for a 25 year old, I have hope I won't look ridiculous. If I continue to lose at this rate, I may actually look good in 2 1/2 months!

So seven more days to go on my first milestone. Look out dress, here I come!

Why I eat?

So yesterday was a hard day for me. Lots of emotions flowing, fertility drugs running crazy setting off more and more hormones into my body and it ended with my third trip to the ER with one of my children in 4 weeks.

So I was l feeling low. I didn't want my kids to suffer for my bad mood, so I opted to take them to the pool. Great for them, bad for me. Nothing gets me more stressed than when I am trying to accomplish something (i.e. get a paleo lunch packed, swimsuits and towels, and as long as I was there a workout for me, so the childwatch ticket I manage to misplace 3 times a week) and the kids are wild.

I tried, really. Packing the bags out of site, hiding swim suits under my shirt, sneaking towels past... But kids, their smart. And it doesn't take a genius to figure out when Mommy says "time to go!" and I'm carrying Noah's childwatch bag, the lunch bag and pool bag, to figure out where we are going.

And then, have you ever had three kids, ages 2 - 7 1/2 in a large crowded pool? It's stressful. I mean I have a good time playing with them, but I'm constantly searching around, counting heads, everyone's breathing air, not water, right?

So I get home, get bags in, naps and quiet time established and I want ice cream. I mean, I seriously want a huge honkin bowl of vanilla ice cream with chocolate chips which just so happens is in my freezer right now. I'm surprised at this craving, because I am not feeling hungry (pool lunch was apple chicken sausages, carrots and grapes with a side of yogurt for the kids). So why did I want this bowl of ice cream?

Comfort. I wanted to distract myself from the stress and all the emotions and feelings I wanted to avoid. I wanted to plop down in front of the boob tube with my ice cream and forget my worries. Just one bowl. No one will know.

Except me. I would know. And I would hate myself after.

And the next morning when I stepped on the scale and see a rise (yes, one bowl of ice cream can do that for me...) and I would hate myself. I thought about how badly I want to get to that 20 lb loss marker. I thought about how badly I want to get pregnant again, and how I want to be healthy for my family. But really, in the end, I decided none of those reasons really mattered.

I had to just pull up my big girl panties, grow up, and deal with my emotions. Let the pain in, not cover it with chocolate sauce and sprinkles (OK, I actually hate sprinkles....nasty little things, but you get the idea, right?).

Is this maybe what people are talking about, that paleo changed their relationship with food? Could I be starting down an important path here? Hopefully.

So I cried. I hid in my room and cried, for just a little bit. And I wrote about how I felt. Was it hard? yes, but I survived, and today is now a new day. I am grateful for this new day. Grateful that I got my son to the hospital in time before full anaphylaxis killed him, grateful my husband left with a smile on his face this morning, grateful that I am able to go to the Y today to meet my friends for our walk.

And gratitude actually does taste better than ice cream.

Weary

I feel like there are a 1000 women out there just like me, and I write the truth here for them. I am not yet gung-ho Paleo, days like today, especially. I flip flop. Why am I doing this? Why am I doing this?

Initially, I was in it to try and get pregnant. As the weeks go by, and I creep closer and closer to 43, I think, this is never going to happen. It's a pipe dream and stupid of me to think I could ever get pregnant again at my age, Paleo or not. Old eggs are just old eggs and no amount of lean protein, healthy fat and vegetables is going to fix that. Battling the meds, battling my husband, doing the procedures. It's like I am always fighting some invisible enemy, and I am growing weary. I feel all alone.

I've always said, a big part of being a mom is fighting for your children, advocating for them. I tell moms-trying-to-be that their fight just starts earlier and they get lots of practice. They have to fight to ovulate, and then fight for that little embryo to implant and grow. So many end in miscarriage and we have to just get up, dust ourselves off and start the fight....again.

I feel in my heart and soul, there is a child out there waiting for me. In my mind, I see him walking along with God who quietly says in his ear "not yet." If I give up now, am I letting him down? And why is it, with three pieces of my heart missing already, why does it keep fighting? Is my sadness driving me, or that little child? Why can't I quietly just walk away? This cycle is looking to be a big bust too, and after that, I only have two more tries, possibly three if I am extremely lucky and then it's all over. The money runs out as does my husband's patience. Then what?

What's to become of Paleo?

Did I try it just to become pregnant? Or is there a greater good here? I've always said it's both a husband's and a wife's, the dad and mom role, to take their health and well being seriously. Their life is no longer their own once those vows are said. They become part of the greater good and have a responsibility to the others in the family.

My mom's illness is such a burden to my dad which he lovingly does. I can understand that. If Rob became seriously ill or disabled, I would be at his side the entire time. But it is a huge job and I feel badthat I can't help more. My sister lives in another state and my brother is a retarded adult who still needs care himself, so my dad bears the brunt. But more than the physical burden, my children can't go see their grandmother for months at a time. Her immune system is so compromised at this point, that the slightest cold or sniffle can send her to the hospital and put her life in danger.

She can't walk with them to the park. She can't take them to the mall. She can't even have them over for a tea party. Having them sit on her lap even, is out of the question. She's in too much pain from RA. Her arms and legs are brusied and she's always swollen and inflamed. She's young enough to enjoy her grandchildren, in her 60's, yet too sick. I can't think of a sadder thing to happen in life.

It's my dream one day to watch my children get married and to meet their babies, to *be* there for them. I want to watch them build their lives, baby sit their kids and grow old happy. But will I? Do I share my mother's fate? Unable to walk or play? Which leads me back to paleo....

Isn't it my responsibility, as a wife, as a mom, to do all I can to be there for my children? And their children? And to not become a burden to them or my husband? What if paleo can give me that? What if it works? But more I feel like it won't., No it's more accurate to say I don't have any faith that it will. I've spent my whole life trying different things to make me un-broken. From birth control pills to diets to counseling. Why will paleo be any different?

So it is day 17 and I am feeling weary. I've made a commitment to do this until Sept 1st, and I will honor that, but I am not feeling all happy inside. I'm discouraged. I feel weary. I don't have energy, I didn't feel instantly better, and I'm certainly not pregnant. I just want the month of July to be over with already so I can move on.

To be fair, I have to post the positives as well. To date, I've lost about 6 pounds while on Paleo (just half a pound shy of the 20 lb mark since I started in May) and I am not constantly hungry during the day. In fact, I woke up this morning and had to force myself to eat - I just wasn't in the mood. But I am off to the Y soon, and with glucophage running through my system, I need calories to exercise.

I just wish there was a crystal ball out there that could tell me what my future brings. And I am scared I am not strong enough to keep fighting.

Day 16

I am starting out day 16. No breakfast yet as I yet again forgot to take my synthroid. In the mean time, I did make myself a cup of coffee. mmmm coffee. Nature's miracle, really.

When I "diet" coffee has always been the one thing I wouldn't hold back on...always real sugar (although I don't like it sweet) and very light. I prefer cream to half and half I like it so light. Wether counting points or calories, I always gave myself my wonderful coffee.

But if I was going to give this paleo thing a real shot, it meant no sugar and no dairy. Well, blegh. Or in the world of Battlestar Galactica, frack me.

I don't drink coffee to "wake up." It' s just my guilty pleasure. I enjoy the taste, the aroma, the feel of the warm cup in my hand....better yet, sending the kids downstairs to play and enjoying just a few minutes on Sat mornings with DH.

And I am a total sucker for take out...Diner coffee, Starbucks (just coffee, I refuse to spend $5 for a cup of designer coffee) or if you live in the Northeast, all i have to say is "WaWa" and you know what I'm talking about! I don't stop and get a cheeseburger or candy bar, my secret vice is coffee.

I don't even drink full leaded - it's decaf for me all the way. I once heard about a study they did, using decaf instead of regular. Just the smell and taste of the decaf was enough to mimic the "wake up" abilities of regular coffee. And it totally works. If I'm feeling tired or need a pick me up, a cup of decaf Joe and I am all set.

But wait...no sugar? No cream? not even half n half? I can't even stand the taste of milk in my coffee, forget black! Rob (aka DH) who used to drink his coffee sweet as lemonade is down to black and some saccharin. Double. Blegh. (Frack!)

One solution was to get coconut milk non dairy creamer. Yes, they actually make it, although we can only get it at Whole foods or a health store near Rob's work...not exactly convenient. Not quite the same either. It's not a bad substitute though. But I don't want to live my life "substituting" every thing. I want that same joy I had before...not just a passable substitute.

So I tried something new this morning that I think might be a winner for me: vanilla almond milk lattes! I took non sweetened vanilla almond milk - half a cup and warmed it to hot in the microwave. I then took a stick blender and blended until foamy. Mix with coffee and a bit of splenda and *bingo* my own designer drink! The trick for me is not too much splenda. If it tastes sweet, there's too much. Add just enough to take out any bitterness.

So here's my cup of joe....morning to ya!

And so onto the Paleo diet

So I was in. No prep, no "last meal" or better yet, last bowl of ice cream. I knew if I put it off one day, if I didn't seize the moment, it would be lost. I was intrigued, motivated, I didn't want to lose that. It started with that moment before I even had breakfast.

I started that day to read Robb Wolf's book "The Paleo Solution" which my husband had loaded into my ibooks. I resonated with the first chapter immediately, as my mom was always sick (still is) with serious autoimmune diseases. I hate what it's done to our family and want more than anything to avoid that for my kids. I do not want to saddle them with that burden.

After that, it got real dicey. I am sure the man is brilliant and far more intelligent than I, so please don't thinkI am putting him down. But I was lost in the science. I am an amazingly quick reader, but I had to read the first half of the book page by page slowly and it took me almost 10 days. There's just so much info... I didn't understand, or I guess I should say retain, half of what I read.

BUT, the good news is, I don't have to. Even the author said that. I got the general gist of what he was saying...I just don't know if I believe him yet. On one hand, wouldn't it be incredible to have a "cure" to these horrible things? On the other hand, I was pissed, what if it is a cure and all these years I could have avoided the heartache off TTC and losses? Of feeling sick, being fat, the yo-yo dieting...

But I came to the conclusion. I believe God causes all things to come together for our good. If all that hadn't happen, my children would not be the children they are. And I wouldn't trade them for anything. Any mom would walk the fires of hell for her children. It just so happens, it feels like I have.

So a few days into my "experiment" I decided to document the whole thing via this blog. If I am a success, my fellow "cysters" (Pcos'ers) need to know about this. I'm trying not to think about if it doesn't work. But if it doesn't, it won't be because I didn't comply. So today is day 12. I am only down 2 pounds so far, but I am prepared for the idea that it might take me longer.

I have this idea, call it a hunch. I have NO scientific data to prove this - no studies- zilch. I didn't cause my insulin resistance by over eating carbs, I was born this way. I know this. So while the author suggests only 30 days to feeling better, I feel like I should give it at least until Sept 1. My bi-annual bloodwork is due then anyway, and we can use that, along with how I feel and what I weigh, what I measure, how I look, to see if this really worked.

So let day 12 begin. I am on my way to shop "Paleo" really for the first time. I've been picking up odds and ends to make it through to Pay day, but this is the first big shopping. Wonder will be on the menu tonight?

speaking of which, last night's dinner: Spaghetti and meatballs. Instead of traditional pasta, we used spaghetti squash. We just omitted bread crumbs from the meatballs. Bake them in the oven first and they won't fall apart.