Why I eat?

So yesterday was a hard day for me. Lots of emotions flowing, fertility drugs running crazy setting off more and more hormones into my body and it ended with my third trip to the ER with one of my children in 4 weeks.

So I was l feeling low. I didn't want my kids to suffer for my bad mood, so I opted to take them to the pool. Great for them, bad for me. Nothing gets me more stressed than when I am trying to accomplish something (i.e. get a paleo lunch packed, swimsuits and towels, and as long as I was there a workout for me, so the childwatch ticket I manage to misplace 3 times a week) and the kids are wild.

I tried, really. Packing the bags out of site, hiding swim suits under my shirt, sneaking towels past... But kids, their smart. And it doesn't take a genius to figure out when Mommy says "time to go!" and I'm carrying Noah's childwatch bag, the lunch bag and pool bag, to figure out where we are going.

And then, have you ever had three kids, ages 2 - 7 1/2 in a large crowded pool? It's stressful. I mean I have a good time playing with them, but I'm constantly searching around, counting heads, everyone's breathing air, not water, right?

So I get home, get bags in, naps and quiet time established and I want ice cream. I mean, I seriously want a huge honkin bowl of vanilla ice cream with chocolate chips which just so happens is in my freezer right now. I'm surprised at this craving, because I am not feeling hungry (pool lunch was apple chicken sausages, carrots and grapes with a side of yogurt for the kids). So why did I want this bowl of ice cream?

Comfort. I wanted to distract myself from the stress and all the emotions and feelings I wanted to avoid. I wanted to plop down in front of the boob tube with my ice cream and forget my worries. Just one bowl. No one will know.

Except me. I would know. And I would hate myself after.

And the next morning when I stepped on the scale and see a rise (yes, one bowl of ice cream can do that for me...) and I would hate myself. I thought about how badly I want to get to that 20 lb loss marker. I thought about how badly I want to get pregnant again, and how I want to be healthy for my family. But really, in the end, I decided none of those reasons really mattered.

I had to just pull up my big girl panties, grow up, and deal with my emotions. Let the pain in, not cover it with chocolate sauce and sprinkles (OK, I actually hate sprinkles....nasty little things, but you get the idea, right?).

Is this maybe what people are talking about, that paleo changed their relationship with food? Could I be starting down an important path here? Hopefully.

So I cried. I hid in my room and cried, for just a little bit. And I wrote about how I felt. Was it hard? yes, but I survived, and today is now a new day. I am grateful for this new day. Grateful that I got my son to the hospital in time before full anaphylaxis killed him, grateful my husband left with a smile on his face this morning, grateful that I am able to go to the Y today to meet my friends for our walk.

And gratitude actually does taste better than ice cream.