Bittersweet

Well, there's no other way to say this. I got pregnant, but it was bittersweet. I say was because I am no longer pregnant.

*sigh*

That's not how this was suppose to work, was it? The idea was to get pregnant and stay that way. The mixed emotions are just a whole lot of crazy ups and downs, and not a just a little hard to sort through.

I mean, I did not take fertility drugs this cycle (major downer), yet I had a strong ovulation (measured with bloodwork - major hooray moment). Then, a fertilized egg with implantation long enough to create enough HCG (another major hooray moment) to make a stick turn pink when I peed on it. The fact that it didn't stick shouldn't bother me, right? (yeah right...another downer).

Theoretically, this is good news and an answer to my questions...Or was it? I think it lead me to new questions rather than some answers. Was it the leftover clomid in my system the RE said might make me ovulate this month anyway? Was it the almost 30 pounds that I have lost? Or was it the paleo?

There is simple way, again theoretically to find out, isn't there? I can *not* take clomid this month and see if it happens again. But I'm not sure if I have the faith or courage to find out...or the strength.

Faith...while it seems like I have been on Paleo forever (that Sept 1 deadline has come and passed, hasn't it?) the fact of the matter is, I still haven't yet been on it 3 months yet. I know every Paleo blog out there is so very gung ho, but I am not that person. Yes, I believe I am healthier and slimmer and have much MUCH less inflammation in my body...no, I have no evidence yet (running bloodwork this month) that it will help my insulin resistance, PCOS and/or annovulatory cycles.

Courage - I've said it before...all the protein and veggies in the world can't help old eggs. Nothing can change that I am 42 and I will - when I do manage to ovulate - put out as many or more "bad" eggs as good. Bad eggs = miscarriages or chemical pregnancies, good eggs fertilized means a shot at a "sticky bean. " And every single month I get older, my odds get worse. Do I want to risk a precious month to experiment? No, I really don't. When I've exhausted all resources I feel like is the time to experiment.

Strength - I was kinda down all weekend. What did this chemical mean? I didn't have the same sense of loss as with a normal miscarriage. Rather, what really bothered me was the idea that I had "two losses" in 7 months, that has to be bad right? But I was online on a TTC in our forties board, and asked them what they thought...What was this pointing to, that it was all over? WasI really too old? On the contrary. Everyone there, who had a lot more experience with TTC in their 40's than I, thought it was really a positive sign...more that I just had to wait for that good egg.

Uh uh - does that mean I might have another chemical? Am I strong enough for that? You would think that would freak me out, but no. Instead of making me feel worse, it made me feel better. I felt encouraged, and for some reason, normal. I did not wake up sad this morning, and felt re-focused on what I had to do: take care of my family, and leave all this other stuff on the back burner....

So tomorrow is my cd 3 baseline scan. They may have me take clomid, they may have me sit it out again. Who knows. But what I am going to focus on is the positives...that I have a couple more weeks to take some more weight off (I really want to be down to 175 before the Disney wedding trip), getting back into the swing of school starting (kid 1 and 2 went off today, kid 3 starts preschool Thursday) and getting ready to enjoy a fun week in Disney. I am so looking forward to the gluten free bakery in Downtown Disney again, and the seafood buffet we are going to try at Cape May Cafe...I've been wanting to try that for years!

Oh yes, and of course my sister's wedding! LOL Yes, I finally have a bridesmaid dress I look halfway decent in, and I am thin enough now to wear it!