....and I haven't even started the drugs yet

This process is not easy.  There is no way through it, but through it.  I have found myself wondering if indeed I am strong enough to do this.  I remind myself that thousands of woman go through this process all the time.

Today's struggle has revolved around medications.  I honestly did not expect to move forward so quickly.  In my mind, this was a multi-month process.  So I was shocked that just one week to the day after testing negative for last month's IUI cycle, I was starting BCP (birth control pills) for an IVF cycle.


(brief pause for back story....At my initial consultation in Feb to see if I would even be a candidate, Dr. G told me that both my AMH levels and both FSH levels on a clomid challenge test had to be normal or my chances of successful IVF using my own eggs would be less than 2%.  No one in their right mind spends $25,000 dollars on something with those odds, so we went ahead and did those tests.  On the clomid challenge, since I was indeed responding, we decided to go ahead and do an IUI on Easter Sunday of all days,  for one last attempt.  How I hoped that would be successful, so I didn't have to do the IVF but as usual, bfn.... (big fat negative).

OK, back to our normally scheduled programming.  So I test negative on Sunday night which was 14 days post IUI, and they call me Monday to see if I want to come in for a blood test beta.  They agreed a negative home test was sufficient and told me to call when my cycle started to schedule my 3 day baseline blood work and ultrasound.

I posed the question, if I was going to start an IVF cycle, why do they do that?  She gave an iffy answer that didn't make sense at the time.  Now I know, it really was because this process moves quickly and they really do need the baseline.  I couldn't come in on cd 3, but they said cd 4 was just fine.  Again, it was a Sunday morning just 3 weeks post my failed IUI and I started bcps.

Why bcps?  It slows down your system in preparation for all you are going to do to it.  My IVF nurse explained, Lupron or Ganirelex is taken after the stim drugs to prevent you from ovulating before the retrieval.  They act like an "off" switch.  The bcp's, she explained act in the same way, but as more of a "dimmer".  So I will take those for about 10-12 days or so, and they will check my levels via blood work.  When they think I'm ready, then they will start the injectible drugs.  Hence today's great big stress ball.

They are incredibly expensive.  I have a list of 10 pharmacies they gave me to try.  Your local Walgreen's or CVS generally doesn't carry these.  The first one I called refused to give me prices over the phone, only in person.  They are a full hour away.  In fact the closest one was still 45 minutes away, some were in other states.  *gulp*

In conjunction with getting prices, I was trying to ferret out information on the Gonal-F cares discount and rebate programs for the uninsured  (I sound like I'm homeless, don't I?  a real charity case....depressing).  This information seems to be a closely guarded secret.  The income part is "proprietary" so you can't tell at all if you qualify until they've processed your application.  Normally this is no big deal, but I didn't have that kind of time.  According to my IVF nurse, I will probably start these drugs at the end of the week!  And they pharmacies need the discount card in hand before they will honor it.  I can't go next week after the fact and say "Can I please have my thousand dollars back?"

Are we seeing my stress here? We are talking about $5000 - $6000 worth of medications here.  So even a 10 or 20% discount is significant.

I will share the name of one pharmacy only  because they were so very kind to me.  Freedom Pharmacy in MA.  And they ship overnight for free.  Most likely thought, I will go with Cornerstone in Willow Grove, PA.  They will ship overnight for free too, and they had better prices, and had some rebates already in house that they would file for me and give me upfront.  That one little act saves me almost $300.  And they said, if I do end up qualifying for the compassionate care program they will honor that in addition to the first rebate.

I don't feel like we will be approved though.  I think they will look at Rob's income and say no.  They don't ask important questions...  They don't ask "Are you paying $17,000 out of pocket cash up front for the medical procedures?"  They don't ask " Have you been paying off a $26,000 adoption for the last 5 years?"  Nope, just a tax form for proof of income.  But hey, if you don't ask, you don't get, right?  So I'm asking.

The last few days, I've found myself incredibly emotional.  I'm not sure why since I haven't even started any of the hormones or ovary stimming drugs yet, you know, the ones that supposedly make you a raving lunatic?  I just find this whole thing very scary.  I am intensely scared of tomorrow's hysterscopy and mock transfer.  No drugs but tylenol or motrin.  I've heard it hurts.  :(

Hopefully, there will be a silver lining and after bw and scan, they will tell me I don't need to start the other meds until after I can actually get them in my possession.

ttfn  (ta ta for now...) I'll post more hopefully tomorrow about all the procedures.

The Beginning of the End - my IVF story

Yes, it truly has been a year since I've written.  A long tough year.  I always thought I would be prepared to lose my mom, given her healthy history.  But I was thoroughly wrong.  When I lost her, it felt like I lost the strength to go on, like she was the rock behind me, quietly holding me up.  I've had to learn to find my own inner strength.

I'm not sure I did, but I have learned to compartmentalize.  Life has thrown me some nasty curves... enough now that at times it can be too much to bear.  But I don't want to live my life sad and afraid of the next bad thing.  So I tuck those fears into those little boxes and just deal with each day as it comes.

Healthy?  I don't know, but it seems to be working for me, helps me get through each day and I finally seem to be healing some.

I've wondered if I should delete this blog, continue it or what... I'd be lying if I didn't say I didn't desperately want to still get pregnant.  Again, I find it truly amazing that I have not been able to get through this, to just let it go.  I have three amazing children and a mostly wonderful life.... yet it is  always there haunting me, in the morning when I wake, the evening when I try to sleep and several times through the day.

Clearly I have been dealing with depression as I've had the physical pain, sleep issues and complete lost of interest in all my usual favorite hobbies. But the hardest part is the complete lack of hope.  I had none, no faith in people, in God or that life could be good.  I was fearful for my children growing up in a world of such sadness and disappointment.  I have been to church maybe twice in the last year.  Can't go - I no longer believe in the power of prayer. When I do go, I come away completely sad to be so abandoned by God. What did I do?

Then something happened around Oct/Nov of last year.   I started forming some friendships, with true genuine women who have been quietly supporting me, lifting me up.  That has helped so much, being able to talk about my sadness and receiving such compassionate sympathy.  But then an amazing thing happened.  One of those women led me to an IVF program I didn't know about.  And suddenly, there was a new spark of hope in me, something I hadn't felt in a long time. And it felt good.

I knew this was something I had to do.  In my mind, it would bring me peace. It felt like the beginning of the end.   If it worked, then I would be overjoyed and beyond happy.  But if it didn't?In a strange sense, that was OK too.  Then I would know I tried everything.  And that meant that it would be time to move on, but with peace about it this time. Even accepting I would never have that child would be a huge improvement over the limbo I had been living in.  No more  "what if's" or "if only's" hanging in the air....  I am learning to never underestimate the power of closure.

The question remained however, what would my husband say? Well, there were lots of discussions over this, some good, some bad.  I'm not comfortable sharing these very private discussions on a public forum such as this.  In the end, the decision was made, yes, we could do this.  I started taking pills 4 days ago.

Which brings me back to the question of this blog. I have been searching for people's personal experiences with IVF and finding very little.  So I thought I would document mine.  The one single comfort I have found in infertility was the ability to help other women like me.  So  Over the next 30 days, at least, I will share what I am going through, what it's like both emotionally and physical, and of course, the results.

The beginning of the End.  May it bring peace, in whatever form that may take.