The Beginning of the End - my IVF story

Yes, it truly has been a year since I've written.  A long tough year.  I always thought I would be prepared to lose my mom, given her healthy history.  But I was thoroughly wrong.  When I lost her, it felt like I lost the strength to go on, like she was the rock behind me, quietly holding me up.  I've had to learn to find my own inner strength.

I'm not sure I did, but I have learned to compartmentalize.  Life has thrown me some nasty curves... enough now that at times it can be too much to bear.  But I don't want to live my life sad and afraid of the next bad thing.  So I tuck those fears into those little boxes and just deal with each day as it comes.

Healthy?  I don't know, but it seems to be working for me, helps me get through each day and I finally seem to be healing some.

I've wondered if I should delete this blog, continue it or what... I'd be lying if I didn't say I didn't desperately want to still get pregnant.  Again, I find it truly amazing that I have not been able to get through this, to just let it go.  I have three amazing children and a mostly wonderful life.... yet it is  always there haunting me, in the morning when I wake, the evening when I try to sleep and several times through the day.

Clearly I have been dealing with depression as I've had the physical pain, sleep issues and complete lost of interest in all my usual favorite hobbies. But the hardest part is the complete lack of hope.  I had none, no faith in people, in God or that life could be good.  I was fearful for my children growing up in a world of such sadness and disappointment.  I have been to church maybe twice in the last year.  Can't go - I no longer believe in the power of prayer. When I do go, I come away completely sad to be so abandoned by God. What did I do?

Then something happened around Oct/Nov of last year.   I started forming some friendships, with true genuine women who have been quietly supporting me, lifting me up.  That has helped so much, being able to talk about my sadness and receiving such compassionate sympathy.  But then an amazing thing happened.  One of those women led me to an IVF program I didn't know about.  And suddenly, there was a new spark of hope in me, something I hadn't felt in a long time. And it felt good.

I knew this was something I had to do.  In my mind, it would bring me peace. It felt like the beginning of the end.   If it worked, then I would be overjoyed and beyond happy.  But if it didn't?In a strange sense, that was OK too.  Then I would know I tried everything.  And that meant that it would be time to move on, but with peace about it this time. Even accepting I would never have that child would be a huge improvement over the limbo I had been living in.  No more  "what if's" or "if only's" hanging in the air....  I am learning to never underestimate the power of closure.

The question remained however, what would my husband say? Well, there were lots of discussions over this, some good, some bad.  I'm not comfortable sharing these very private discussions on a public forum such as this.  In the end, the decision was made, yes, we could do this.  I started taking pills 4 days ago.

Which brings me back to the question of this blog. I have been searching for people's personal experiences with IVF and finding very little.  So I thought I would document mine.  The one single comfort I have found in infertility was the ability to help other women like me.  So  Over the next 30 days, at least, I will share what I am going through, what it's like both emotionally and physical, and of course, the results.

The beginning of the End.  May it bring peace, in whatever form that may take.