venting

It occurred to me what a "debbie downer" this blog is right now.  I  never intended to really have a lot of followers. Not really.  Mostly, I think I just wanted a safe place to post my feelings.

I've already been the optimistic positive one, in my early 30's.  I've encouraged others.  I did my time, and felt not only content to do so, but happy I could help others in their difficult times. Actually made me feel better, like there was a meaningful purpose or something, to this crappy thing called infertility.

I always believed that if you just tried hard enough, fought long enough and had enough patience, it would happen. I supose if you are young enough, have enough money and are in it with someone who feels the same as you, then that's still true.  But it's not true for me, not now anyway.

So that's not the purpose of this blog.  I'm truly sorry if you've come here looking for answers.  I have none to give.  No, this blog is for me now.  It's for me to vent my frustration and sadness. I honestly have no where I feel safe to share this.  I can't begin to explain the deep sadness that penetrates my heart, and always will.  I know it doesn't make sense.  I. KNOW.  This.  But that's just the way it is. And it's something I will just have to live with. It's my hope one day I will have peace with it, but I don't think that's the case.  I think I will just learn to live with it. One has to, right?  Or they can just go crazy.

But I also want something positive going out into the universe right now too.  I want the 3 people or so in this world that might find this one blog page to know how desperately I love my children.  I would do anything for them. And they are the only ones, right now, that do pierce that sadness and make  life have meaning.  I look at them, and they simply take my breath away.  They just make me smile.

I may be 44.  It may be that no one would choose me as an adoptive mom, but let me tell you - and them -  despite what anyone may think, I *AM* a good mom. And I would be a great mom to anyone who did choose me with that privilege.

I recently started to homeschool my kids.  I felt like not only was the local school not getting the job done, some teachers were also actually emotionally abusive.  My brilliant son, who tests off the charts for intelligence was actually being led to believe he was not very bright, and was made to feel bad about himself...

over my dead body, people!

So I've been working with them at home with help from a cyber school for 6 weeks now and the change is nothing short of miraculous, in both my older two.  (youngest is still just a little too young for serious school) Confidence is way up, grades for  both kids are A+ in all subjects,  But best of all, I am getting to know my children on a whole new level.  They are not 4 and 5 anymore.  They are little people with thoughts, opinions and very complete personalities that I am learning more and more about each day.  I feel honored to be so involved in their little lives, leading them to become strong adults and I hope,  to fulfill their dreams one day.

I work like a slave to make this happen and I am grateful for the chance to do so. I am grateful that I can drive them an hour a way in the middle of a school day so they can take a hands on robotics class.  I am grateful I can have them learn to swim in the middle of the day, in a semi private lesson  and not be forced to have them settle for taking two 1 or 2 turns in the water with 8 others kids over a 30 minute period after a traditional school day.  I am grateful that I get to sit with my daughter at the dining room table and help her learn Mandarin Chinese and watcher her take pride in one part of her dual culture/citizenship. I am grateful that our school room is filling up with art work I get to teach them, not just see once a year at an art show (today's project?  An Africa Kota mask made with cardboard and tinfoil)  I am grateful that even though it's 9:16 at night, and I have three loads of laundry to fold and I'm tired, that my priority tonight is actually making a fossil with oven baked clay and a leaf for a science lab tomorrow.

I am simply grateful for these three wonderful blessings, and I love being their mom.  I know it's what I was meant to do with my life.

limbo

There's nothing to report for now.  My body is a mess as usual.

I gained 10 pounds with this last IVF and had been unable to lose it all summer.  Turns out my tsh was in the toilet and my insulin level was crazy.  As the put it "your metabolism is at a standstill"

I was in pain most of the summer because of the tsh level.  Horrible joint pain in every joint in my body, even my fingers, toes and elbows.  Endo said it could be from the gluten free diet or it could just be a result of the IVF. She's seen it happen before.

I've been switched from.112 of synthroid to .60 of armour (natural form from a pig instead of fake synthroid) and as of last week, the pain is significantly better, and I'm starting to lose weight but my tow tsh levels are still a mess.  One level apparently likes the high doses, the other level likes the low doses. So the bottom line is  I spent about $23, 000 on an  IVF package I may never get to finish using.

To make matters worse, my kids desperately want another sibling now. How did that happen?  They mention it quite often, like I'm not in enough emotional pain already.  Now I've let them down too.

Seems like all  I do these days is let people down. Like I said, not much to report right now.