moving on

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I struggled with my emotions most of the day, and yesterday only posted a fraction of what I've actually been feeling and thinking.

I've been willing myself to move on. My favorites lists on my iPhone includes that song by Rascal flats, and I play it over and over again, like a mantra, telling myself "you can do this, it's time to move on". But I resist.

Why? Who in their right mind wants to wallow in self pity? It's hard to let go of the pain, the mourning, the grief. After awhile, it becomes a part of who you are, and that much harder to shed. But really, the biggest obstacle of letting go is simple; if I move on, let go of that emotion, then no one will be there to remember the little child that wasn't. As a mother, how can I do that? How can I justify being happy when these horrible things happened?

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

That second line scares me. I don't *want* to be content with a past I regret. I have too much of that in my life. In my 30's, I learned to forgive myself for the mistakes I had made. I don't want to go back there. But that's what I'm doing isn't it? I'm not moving forward. It's a double edged sword. If I stay in this stagnant place, I regret the life that was never meant to be. But the thing is, if I don't let go and move forward, I'll still have regrets anyway, won't it?

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

If I trap myself in the here and now, "burdened with the blame" I heap on myself, I will miss the life that my family continues to live. Life will not be patiently waiting, it will indeed, pass me by. My children are oblivious to all that happened, all that I am feeling. They are living their lives, going to gymnastics, playing out side at recess, playing on Wii, building legos.... life continually moves forward for them, and if I stay here, I will miss it.

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I love all my kids, those born and unborn, but I can't let that love become a barrier. I need to let go of those that are already with their Heavenly Father, and live for those that still need me here on earth. And I need to remember to live for me too, teach myself that I am not to blame, and yes, I deserve to be happy. I need to learn and accept, that being happy is not a betrayal to those unborn children.

I've always been of the belief that when faced with an obstacle, if you throw your head over the wall, the neck and body have no choice but to follow. I spent the better part of last night awake and thinking. I do not want to be this person anymore. I want to heal my heart, forgive myself or better yet, not blame myself for something I can't control. It's time to pack up this old baggage and let it go....It's time to move on.

So I'm sending out a little love letter into the heavens to those children I've lost:

dear little ones,

I love you more than you could possibly know. But you are in the presence of the Alpha and Omega, your Heavenly Father and He will care for you until I come to join you. But for right now, your brothers and sister and daddy need me. I need to stay here for them, but I will love you just the same. I have to say goodbye now, but I will always carry your memories locked in my heart. You will always be with me. I look forward to the day when I can finally hold you in my arms.

love, mommy