Turning the corner

So I am making baby steps, and this is good.

Yesterday, was a huge relief for me. I felt like sending off the letter lifted a weight that has been on my shoulders for months. As the day went on, I felt better and better. more optimistic than I have been in a long time.

I immediately tried to think more positively about my well being. I thought more about what I wrote yesterday, that being happy is not a betrayal. I need to embrace that sentiment. Part of that is taking care of myself, both physically and mentally.

Physically, I am trying to eat better. I don't mean more clean, I've been staying paleo....when I did actually eat. I just had been slowing reducing my food intake lower and lower. Not healthy physically or emotionally, and one of the ways I realized I had been punishing myself. It's one of the things I set out to fix in my "moving on" process.

I did well with breakfast and lunch, allowing myself to eat healthy portions, and not cutting it short. But my mind went several times to just skipping dinner, to do without.

It's ironic really. One of our big things in parent discipline is to not use food any any way - no lollypops to stop crying, no mm's to go "in the potty" instead of the diaper, no treats for good behavior. Food should not be a part of our emotional well being. I didn't want my kids falling into the same trap as I.

So how did I go from being an emotional eater to NOT eating? It took conscious effort, but despite needing to be two places last night, I made myself stop, sit down and at least eat with my family. It was a small meal, probably not as much as it should have been, but I didn't skip. And that's a good start.

Mentally, I have as much work to do, but am taking some good steps there as well. I talked about the way I looked, and how I let it beat me down. No more. I need to be proud of the weight I lost and the process I am making toward my goal weight. Both last night and this morning, I received some kind compliments about the way I look. For awhile now, I've been blowing off these comments or poo-pooing them.... I didn't this time. I forced myself to stop, smile and try to really appreciate the sentiment behind it. It's OK to be happy I have a flatter stomach. It's not a betrayal.

It all started with a decision. For me, it was enough. But I know in years past that I could not shake the depression that settled on me from time to time. I think it was easier this time because I knew what was causing my depression. I had reason to be sad. But I know there are women out there who don't know why they are depressed, and that can be very confusing and scary.

If you are in one of those spots where you know you're depressed, but you don't know why, please know you are not alone. There us help out there. Please do not be afraid to seek medical help or counseling.

You don't have to feel like this. Sometimes, all it takes is just one little step to turn the corner.