Holding on

Oh. My. Gosh.

This is just crazy now. I was so sure it was the medication. Now, I have no idea what the heck is going on with my body. No wonder women with PCOS want to just regularly tear their hair out. Granted, my body has been through a lot with the medications, and the OHSS, but really? Seriously?!

Why I am so crazed?! Yep you guessed it, I am back to 184. I gained 2 pounds two days ago, and despite "tightening up" and pounding water since then, I've gained now a third pound leading me right back to this damn plateau again.

It seems I always get stuck, right here in the 180's.... I never get past it. I am sick of being heavy! I know I will never be that tiny little six...that's just not how my body was ever meant to be. But would an 8 or a 10 be so bad? I am wearing so many of my 12's, but I hate going dress shopping and picking up those 14's and 16's for more "room in the middle." (PCOS often causes weight gain in the stomach)

What more am I suppose to do? I am not eating more than 1400 calories a day. I am exercising. Following Paleo....And I have been stuck here at this weight for a month. Granted, I had that bad time over vacation, but is less than one week of cheating so bad? Is this really just cause for my crimes?

I am beginning to feel like food is my enemy. For a long time, I've felt betrayed by my own body, but now I am feeling like food is just as much my enemy as my body. What do they call that.. "frienemies?" That's food and my body..frienmies. They appear to be my allies, but really, they are just out to frustrate me and get me down. I've had little sympathy for those that say they've tried, but they just can't lose the weight. I simply didn't believe it.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe there are just some of us who can't do it. For days, I've looked at the leftover snacks from vacation, and wonder...what's the point? Why not just have that pop tart or Joe Joe cookie I'm craving? Not having them is Not helping my cause.

But what really is my cause? As beat down and frustrated as I feel, I also know deep inside me heart, I just can't just give up. Comforting my sadness with food is not the answer. I need to keep feeling this pain and not bury it under a pile of cookies. I need to remember there are other reasons besides not wanting to look like a potato sack in my bridesmaids dress. Granted, I am not thin, and I am not pregnant. But am I healthier? I truly believe yes, I am.

As I did my workout yesterday, I felt something I don't ever feel anymore...strong, powerful and in control. I felt like I could finally make my body, the one that always betrays me, do exactly what I wanted it to do. For that one hour, I wasn't sad and I didn't feel the hole in my soul. I could concentrate on what was right about me, what was strong. Whereas running sprints before would take my breath away, make my heart pound and leave my muscles sore for weeks...now those sprints just get my heart pumping a bit, and leaves some soreness in my legs for just a day or so.

And for just that one hour, I set aside that ever present pain in my heart when I think of my lost babies, both those already lost, and those I can't seem to conceive. The sadness that weighs me down so many hours of my day, is lifted.

My kids. My family. They mean everything and I will not be a physical and/or financial disabled burden to them. I have to just hold on to that. I don't want them to turn to food for comfort when they are adults. I don't want them to resent me because I can't crawl on the floor with their kids, or play at the park with them or go to Disney World. Or because I am just not around for them because I am dead, or constantly on the brink of dying. I want better for them, I want normal.

So I am holding on by a thread...but love for my family can make me hold on to that one thread pretty damn hard.