Still standing

The thing about blogging is, once you "take a break" it's sometimes hard to start again. So I put it off, and put it off, and well, I wasn't sure where to start again.

But I am here and still standing.

Barely.

There's so much to tell that it may take a while... So sit back, grab a cup of coffee, or hell, splurge and get a bag of popcorn and and take your time....

The last few weeks have been stressful, to put it mildly. Dh went to Vietnam on business, and to say I missed him would be an understatement. I felt like a part of me was empty and it was very difficult emotionally, much more than I expected. But that's good news, right? To miss your spouse so deeply after 10 years of marriage, just shows how much we still love each other.

During all this time, I have been responsible for lots of little things, that have just taken up every inch of my time...things like centerpieces and a year's worth of crafts for my MOPS group (I am one of the craft coordinators on the steering team), invitations for my sister's bridal shower, centerpieces and favors for above mentioned shower, summer dressy clothing for my entire family for the destination wedding this fall (I mean, where am I going to find short sleeved boy's dress shirts or white patent leather shoes for K in October?!)

And did I mentioned the sadness and stress of announcing the closing of my scrapbooking store? That's a whole other story...

Then of course *dramatic sigh* has been Paleo and Pcos (and of course, TTC). I hit a major plateau....I went down to 182 for a whopping 26 pound weight loss, then gained two pounds and stayed there....for weeks. I now know that I am probably one of the few whom clomid causes weight gain. I think it's to Paleo's credit that I did not gain the 10 - 15 pounds I have read others gained (and I now realized I have gained in the past).

But I didn't know it then, and man, was it frustrating! I was doing everything right...eating clean, exercising almost daily (not too much, just lots of daily walking with weight resistance and some sprints thrown in a couple of times a week). When you are losing, the sacrifice is worth it, but when you gain two pounds, and then sit there for a long time you think, what the hell am I doing this for? Because believe me, you all would know if I managed to get pregnant - I'd be shouting that from the roof tops! But nothing but negative for this pcos chick...and still feeling chubby, makes you just want to give up.

So then I go on vacation. It should have been relaxing, but it was really just lots of stress for me. More laundry and packing than I ever care to see, and worrying about paying for all the expensive things the kids want to do, then all the extra driving. I have to drive the kids down to the shore the week before because my in-laws like to take them by themselves for a few days. (they had the house the two weeks prior to our week) So pack clothes for them for 2 weeks, drive down to the Jersey shore, then drive back with my youngest. Then 4 days later drive down again while DH, youngest and I go down to join them.

BUT....there's a glitch. I am scheduled to get AF (that's aunt flo or my period for you non TTC's)....while I am down there. Which means I need a cd 3 baseline scan (ultrasound) if we are going to do another clomid cycle this month. So I get to tell DH that I need to leave one night and come back the next day or skip the cycle. I think, he's going to go ballistic, but he doesn't....he's a good sport about it thankfully. But the night before we even leave involves a race around town trying to find a pharmacy that has all my clomid in stock, because I am scheduled to take another truck load of it again - 24 pills...150 for 8 days...enough for a horse I believe, starting the day of my scan.

So sure enough mid week, AF starts and I schedule the scan. We had taken the kids to the boardwalk for rides and all the junk (cotton candy, ice cream, Johnson's caramel corn, fudge, corn dogs, french fries....) their little bodies can handle and then we head back to the house so I can head back home. We get the kids settled and I start driving (again...) home arriving around midnight.

I get up at 6:30 for my 8:00 appt and am on time. I think this will be quick and easy...like I've done a million times before with Josh and Noah in the past. Blood work, quick scan and I start on the clomid that night.. WRONG! One of my ovaries is enlarged, over stimmed from last month's meds. This means I can't stim it this cycle without serious repercussions. In some cases, OHSS can be fatal.

I feel crushed and the desperation starts to sink in even more. Once again, I feel like it's just so unfair. Why do I have to go through this? Why couldn't my baby have lived? My belly should be round and full and getting ready to deliver... Now, after months of treatments and heartbreaking negative tests and starting a whole new life style and more vitamins I could ever count, I can't even TRY?! I mean that's just so unfair. I cry all the way back to the shore. Driving back had been a total waste, and I will lose yet another month (possible two because we have a destination wedding Oct 4th)

And I give up. Another little piece of my heart dies and I give up.I let the hurt course though me and think my dreams are not meant to be. And I eat. The truth is, with the last negative test, I had already given up a bit. One again I tear down myself and accuse my body of being broken and worthless. Why was I born this way? Why do I have to deal with this?

A women in my MOPS group just has her 7th child and I've been asked to bring her a meal. How do I face her? Next month I have to go to my SIL's baby shower...who is due the same time I would have been. I will look at her perfect round belly and compare it to my flat broken belly and it just hurts. Why can't that be me? Why can't I just get pregnant when I want to? There are times when i come to peace with the way I am and other times, like now, it taunts me like a school yard bully.

So I eat very bad things... cinnamon roll with lot of sugary cream cheese frosting, ice cream, caramel corn, pizza, cookies, smores...all kinds of things. I even start up with dairy again. Not all at once, mind you, but over the 10 days I am there. And the pain starts.

Not the kind in my heart, I think I've established my emotional pain...No, I am talking about the physical pain. It starts with my shoulder, then moves to my neck and by the trip home, I am popping tylenol and/or excedrine migraine pills just to keep the pain in my head at bay. My hair starts falling out again too and I am fatigued beyond comprehension.

Well shoot. That means they are right. Crud, I was kind of hoping they weren't. I *like* great big cinnamon rolls with lots of cream cheese frosting. But I really don't like the way I feel, and I've got enough pain in my heart right now - I don't need the pain in my body as well.

So I am still standing, but barely. But really...barely is all you need to put one foot in front of the other and start again. I have been too afraid to step on the scale, but I will not be afraid to step in the kitchen. I began eating clean again today, and I have no desire to "cheat." I want to feel good again. I under estimated how much my body had been healing over the last few months...how well I was actually feeling. I resented not having the burst of energy other's reported. I didn 't realize not being tired all the time was the burst of energy they were talking about! Health had snuck up on me, and I didn't even know it.

It stops. I am, regrettably, a true believer now. I may not really like paleo, but pregnant or not, I truly believe it's the right choice for me. And maybe, just maybe, once I heal my body again physically, I can start to put my heart back together again.