Have/Have nots

There are moments of peace where I come to terms with my body, accept it's brokeness for what it is and move on.

This is not one of those moments.

I spent the last 1/2 hour on the phone pricing the progesterone I am suppose to take post IUI only to find I can't afford it. I'd like to know who dictated that only the rich or better off - the "haves" can afford to be parents? You know, if you can't manage it on your own? Who decides that Femara should be $200 and Crinone should be $244 and an IUI should be another $250 never mind the ultrasounds, and blood work and office visits.

At $25,000, I used to think adopting was expensive (it took us about 5 years to pay off that loan) but at the current rate, trying for a new biological baby can be just as bad if not worse. At least with the adoption loan, we could take a couple of years to pay, and the government chipped in a healthy chunk.

Are you listening President Obama? Congress? How 'bout it? How about giving a helping hand to those of us that are the "have nots"? Why do we have to pay such a penalty to be parents? Insurance covers things like viagra, but not fertility treatments... What's wrong with this picture? It's about a $1000 now per cycle, but that's with the "cheap" inexpensive oral drugs. Add a couple grand to that if you go up to injectibles....PER CYCLE. Crazy.

So I will not be taking the prescribed progesterone, you just can't squeeze blood out of a stone. I can't help but think of the hundreds of dollars we spent this month on "good will toward men...." providing Christmas presents for a family who has little, donating food to those with none, sending bags of new toys to shelters.... Looking back, does that buy me any good karma? I dunno. Maybe, I mean, if you had told me at the beginning of the month, you can spend the money helping others or buy the progesterone you need what would I have done? I'd still spend the money on charity. I mean that's something to feel good about, right?

But I don't feel good about that. It's hard to feel good about anything when I faced with this month after month. It all comes back to being angry that I was made this way. You ask yourself, why me? and then realize how dumb that is. I mean, it's essentially asking, why not someone else, right? And I would never wish this on someone else.

And really, the whole thing is moot anyway. We can't go on spending $200+ plus $200+ plus $200+ in an effort to get pregnant. I wonder how going without will hurt my chances. I have to just tell myself that if it's a good egg, my body will make the right amount of progesterone and just hope for the best.

I am trying to focus on the positives very badly, despite the anger that bubbles in me. I have three children, that's three more than I ever thought I'd have. I have a home and food and Christmas presents to give my family - that's more than a lot of people have. and while I pray desperately "please let this finally be the month" I have to remember there are those that can't pray openly in their country without fear of retribution - I have that freedom, many do not.

So while we aren't a "have" in the wealth department, I need to be thankful we are not a "have not" in so many other ways.

Laying blame...or taking responsibility?

Today is one my soapbox days. This is has been on my mind since I saw it.....

I recently watched a news clip about fast food chains not honoring the letter of the law. It seems San Francisco passed a law last year banning free toys from kids meals.



On the surface, it seems like a good idea, right? Let's protect our kids from lures to products that could hurt them. I mean, it's not too different from the laws they passed banning tobacco companies from using cartoon characters in their ads.

But news reporters are calling foul play as companies like McDonald's and Burger King are getting around the law by offering the toy as an add on for 10 cents. Oh my gosh, how could they? Those big bad corporate fiends!

This bothers me on a couple of different levels. Really, does McDonald's really advertise or lure kids's to their products using those toys? I mean really? Are there giant 20 foot posters outside posting the current toy? Are they blaring all over the tv sets what the current toy is? And is that really what drives kids to want their products.

I really don't think so. My kids sees the giant 20 foot golden arches and ask, "Can we go to McDonald's? Not "can we go get a happy meal toy?" In fact, in an effort to ban extra calories, extra non bio-degradable waste and to save money, I've stopped purchasing the happy meals, and order individual hamburgers (I draw the line at nuggets) and then one small order of fries is ordered to share amongst two people. Since I usually have water pouches in the car, I pay half as much and I am not throwing away useless toys in a week.

Does that deter my kids from wanting McDonald's? Absolutely not. They no I will not buy the toys now and yet still it's still a "treat" for them. (blecccckkkk!) So offering a toy for 10 cents more would do nothing to change my kids minds about wanting the stuff. I bet if they did a survey before and after that law was passes, they would find consumption didn't change. I mean, I don't know, but I would be willing to money on that bet. It's just a law in letter only.


Which leads me to my second point...why pass a useless law about toys? Why not pass a law that works with parents? How about restricting the number of calories or what type of food can be marketed to kids? Because in the end, the government, no matter how they may or may not try, cannot control what goes in our kid's bodies.

That responsibility lays solely with us parents.

Did you hear that? It lays with us. It's not the fault or responsibility of any fast food chain or restaurant. We can choose to give or not give our kids that stuff, or the "food" (I use that term loosely here) they serve at most school cafeteria's (cheese substitute anyone?) It's our choice.

Look, I'd be lying if I said I never let my kids eat that stuff, or that sometimes it just easier. Yes, and yes to both of those. Yesterday I overslept and didn't have time to pack a lunch, so I had J buy. None of us parents are perfect, we have our off days and of course life crap happens.

And that's OK. You can't shoot yourself because you let your kid have a french fry. The problem is if we let them have it once a week, or let's face it for some parents, once a day. I read an article in a parenting magazine when I was pregnant with J that said for 90% of toddlers, the number 1 vegetable they consumed was french fries. (Read another interesting article here)

Huh? (scratching head.....)



French fries aren't even a vegetable, it's really a starch. 90%?! Oh my gosh, that's insane, isn't it? I made up my mind then, that my kids would be in the 10% and I happy to report that today all three of my children are still in that same 10%.

Some people ask me how I do it. Really, you will laugh when you hear the simple answer. No, I don't grind up broccoli and hide it in brownies (oh my gosh, yes that is a real recipe by a celebrity mom and please don't get me started on that....) Here's my secret: I put it on their plates.

Yup, that's my secret. I serve them fresh vegetables and that's what's available to eat. If they choose not to eat? That's OK. After a couple of skipped meals, they get hungry and eat. No one ever starved in the presence of food. Just make sure the veggies are always available and nothing else. An old friend of mine once told me that her pediatrician said if a toddler gets one good meal in two days, they will be just fine. Just make sure they stay hydrated.

Am I saying starve your children or that I do mine? Absolutely not. I'm saying don't give them fast food and french fries, or potato chips or granola bars or mac n cheese.....whatever else they will "only eat." Look you are not doing them any favors by allowing them to eat only 3 or 4 foods. If you are being honest with yourself, it makes life easier for you. You have to be some place, you have to get them some place, it's been a long day etc etc.

But here's the thing, get them to eat all kinds of food, particularly fresh healthy food and life will actually get easier. Battles to eat go away, snacks are easy - I mean grab some apples, string cheese or handful of baby carrots and you are good to go.

You may ask yourself, but I ate this stuff as a kid and I turned out fine. Remember when I talked about food verses medication? The food we eat today is NOT the same food we ate 30 years ago. Want to pass a law? How about banning HFCS, not subsiding it's core ingredient....but I digress.

Kids are resilient...they learn to adapt to whatever is around them. Give it a try...you will see a difference, in their attitude, personalities even sleep patterns. They will have extra energy in the morning, be more alert in school after lunch and have stronger immune systems. As parents it's once of the best gifts we can give them - many many years of birthdays free from disease.

And that's just icing on the cake.

Getting through the holidays

Well, let's face it. Getting through the holidays weight intact can be a challenge. I am facing that now.

It all started with the trip to Disney of course, for the wedding. I *could* be a stinker and blame it on my sister's wedding...yep, it's all her fault. Ha ha ha She was beautiful though, wasn't she? Despite being a "saboteur" and all ...




Just joking. It's not her fault. We go once or twice a year as we own Disney Vacation Club, a very flexible kind of time share. We love it, the kids love it.....my waist line? mmm, not so much.

As many of you know, I worked hard and my goal was to get to 175 for the wedding. Despite many plateaus and hurdles, I got really close, within half a pound. I still looked chunky, but much better than if I had been 208, right?!


As I mentioned, I did not splurge anywhere near as much as I thought I would. I went fully prepared to give myself the entire week off. But my cravings and desires for the rich, sugary carbs were simply not there. I did have several indulgences, but they were not what I expected. My big splurge? All you can eat seafood buffet at the Cape May Cafe. But binging on crab legs simply does not affect you the same way cupcakes and cookies do.

But it's a dangerous time of the year to fall off the wagon, even if at the time it was just a gentle drop. We come home only to face Halloween and aisles upon aisles of Halloween candy. Add to that my spiral into depression and as I mentioned in previous posts, I ate my way through all the chocolate in the house with the delusional idea that it would numb the pain.

I did pull it together, only to be faced with Thanksgiving. We have two options every year. We either travel half way across PA where *all* of Rob's family gathers or we go to my parents. This year, with the arrival of deal SIL's darling son, I was just not up to traveling away. The ooh's and ah's over darling little M.A. would have just been too painful, too much a reminder of what I was missing and wanting. Despite missing it last year, I requested we stay local and thankfully, no pun intended, Rob did not mind. My mom is doing so badly these days, it's just as well the kids get to spend time with their grammy while they can. I can't imagine she can continue much longer in the shape she's in.

It was somewhat challenging to get through our first completely gluten free Thanksgiving. It really was not too too terribly paleo, but we did not do badly. I did figure out how to make GF stuffing with smaller amounts of GF bread and more heavy on the root vegetables and sausage. And we found GF mushroom soup at Whole Foods and made our own fried onions for the green bean casserole. We opted for mashed sweet potatoes instead of white... and I made spiced apples and my own cranberry sauce with orange peel and apples and spices. It was yummy and we ate the leftovers for days. Left over turkey? Very paleo....I loved having that much cooked meat in the house! Again, easier to get back on the wagon, as it were... Eating regular paleo meals cut the cravings at least somewhat.

I didn't, however, go near the scale. I simply lived in a world of denial. I did *NOT* want to know. Life was tough enough emotionally....i did not think I could handle one more thing in the negative side of the column these days...

That changed this week, wether I was ready or not. I've been plagued with some illnesses this last month and was finally forced to go to the dr, which unfortunately means I was forced to weigh myself. I closed my eyes, held my breath and then slowly opened them.

179.

Now, some people would be crushed at a 4 pound weight gain, I on the other hand was estatic! For me, I could go Hershey Park for the day and come home 6 pounds heavier... a vacation could easily pack on 10 - 12 pounds in a weeks time. So here I am, with 2 months of the slippery slope under my belt and I've only gained 4 pounds? Yeah, I'll take it!

Now I really have pulled it together, so perhaps I gained more and have already started losing it. Who knows, don't care. As long as I can get back to 175 and then continue my quest.

So back to the original question - How am I going to get through the holidays? By asking myself three simple questions....

First, how does it feel to be wearing the clothes I am wearing? I hate trying to find pretty holiday clothes in my closet when I am fat. Who wants to put a basic black dress on with lumps and bumps showing through? How can you enjoy a dinner *you* didn't have to cook when you can't breathe through your girdle type undergarments? Not fun. It will be nice this year, to wear my clothes so much more comfortably and better yet, no confining undergarments!

Secondly, and this worked for me last night. Rob was out and I had to put the kids to bed myself. As I am getting everyone through brushing teeth and all those night time rituals, I realized my three year old, having already been tucked in, had taken the contents of the humidifier and dumped it all over the hard wood floor, his carpet, bed, himself etc... Add to this two misbehaving older kids, and I was a crazy woman. I went right downstairs and for the hidden Christmas candy stash.

I sat down on my bed, fully prepared to eat the whole bag and a voice went off in my head.... what will this do to your insulin resistance? And when you mess up your IR so badly your body works even worse than it has been, what will that do to make you pregnant, or really prevent you from getting pregnant? The time is running out. My eggs are getting older by the second. Eating that chocolate would make me feel better for the 3 minutes it would take me to eat it. I will have added all that sugar to my already taxed body and then what? I would still feel stressed. Only now I would feel guilty and self loathing to boot. So I put it back without eating a single piece, and then went up to the kitchen to get something healthy. (I skipped dinner because I of the nausea, more on that later). You know what? Making the right choice actually made me not only feel better, but eased some of the stress I had been feeling.

well whatdoyaknow.....

Anyway, finally, I always have to keep that number one motivation right there in front, the reason I am doing all this. As I saw my mom's quickly dwindling health up front and personal last week, watched her not even be able to get through dinner without having to stop and nap, watch as my dad tears up at the thought of losing his lifetime lover and friend.... I have to ask myself. What do I want for myself, and for these beautiful kids and husband of mine?


Diabetes may be lurking in the shadows like the ghosts of Christmas future, but like Scrooge, I have choices. Death will get me in the end, but not without me kicking and fighting before I go down.

So I challenge those of you out there who are facing the same thing. You may not eat because you are stressed (and if not what planet do you come from?), you may eat because you don't want to be rude to your hostess, or simply because it's there. Maybe it's not even eating that causes your ill health, but some other behavior or choice...

Whatever it is, sit down now, before the parties start this weekend and find your motivators...Are you trying to get pregnant? be more healthy? get rid of your insulin resistance or keep your pcos in check? Or simply beat the genetics you were born with? Whatever it is, what will help you stay in control?

It's food for thought anyway.