Have/Have nots

There are moments of peace where I come to terms with my body, accept it's brokeness for what it is and move on.

This is not one of those moments.

I spent the last 1/2 hour on the phone pricing the progesterone I am suppose to take post IUI only to find I can't afford it. I'd like to know who dictated that only the rich or better off - the "haves" can afford to be parents? You know, if you can't manage it on your own? Who decides that Femara should be $200 and Crinone should be $244 and an IUI should be another $250 never mind the ultrasounds, and blood work and office visits.

At $25,000, I used to think adopting was expensive (it took us about 5 years to pay off that loan) but at the current rate, trying for a new biological baby can be just as bad if not worse. At least with the adoption loan, we could take a couple of years to pay, and the government chipped in a healthy chunk.

Are you listening President Obama? Congress? How 'bout it? How about giving a helping hand to those of us that are the "have nots"? Why do we have to pay such a penalty to be parents? Insurance covers things like viagra, but not fertility treatments... What's wrong with this picture? It's about a $1000 now per cycle, but that's with the "cheap" inexpensive oral drugs. Add a couple grand to that if you go up to injectibles....PER CYCLE. Crazy.

So I will not be taking the prescribed progesterone, you just can't squeeze blood out of a stone. I can't help but think of the hundreds of dollars we spent this month on "good will toward men...." providing Christmas presents for a family who has little, donating food to those with none, sending bags of new toys to shelters.... Looking back, does that buy me any good karma? I dunno. Maybe, I mean, if you had told me at the beginning of the month, you can spend the money helping others or buy the progesterone you need what would I have done? I'd still spend the money on charity. I mean that's something to feel good about, right?

But I don't feel good about that. It's hard to feel good about anything when I faced with this month after month. It all comes back to being angry that I was made this way. You ask yourself, why me? and then realize how dumb that is. I mean, it's essentially asking, why not someone else, right? And I would never wish this on someone else.

And really, the whole thing is moot anyway. We can't go on spending $200+ plus $200+ plus $200+ in an effort to get pregnant. I wonder how going without will hurt my chances. I have to just tell myself that if it's a good egg, my body will make the right amount of progesterone and just hope for the best.

I am trying to focus on the positives very badly, despite the anger that bubbles in me. I have three children, that's three more than I ever thought I'd have. I have a home and food and Christmas presents to give my family - that's more than a lot of people have. and while I pray desperately "please let this finally be the month" I have to remember there are those that can't pray openly in their country without fear of retribution - I have that freedom, many do not.

So while we aren't a "have" in the wealth department, I need to be thankful we are not a "have not" in so many other ways.