Confused Emotions

I haven't written in a while, because I've been confused about my emotions.

I expected it to get easier....I've been waiting for that old adage, "time heals all wounds" to kick in. Yet it hasn't. I find life getting more difficult and the sadness just presses in on me.



I used to be involved in soulcysters or boards like it. I would take comfort from those on the same path, and rejoice in their successes, waiting, sometimes patiently, sometimes not, for my own.

But it's different this time. I find regular interaction with other infertiles to be too difficult. Instead of rejoicing in their pregnancy announcements, I get sad or jealous. I can't be around pregnant women or babies without the reality of my own circumstances tugging at my emotions. I still dream at night about babies, either losing them or them being taken away, and now a new one, watching only other women have them.

At the heart of it all is how to get through it. I don't want to simply exist in this sadness, I want to find a way to come to peace. That's where the confused emotions come into play. Many many years ago I became " saved", a born again Christian, a believer...pick your term. In the simplest explanation, it means I formed a personal relationship with God made possible by the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross.

I came to that state after my divorce as a young woman. That relationship saved me not just my eternal soul, but who I was. It made me a better person, it gave me compassion, comfort and simple joy in the knowledge I was loved, I had value simply because I was God's.

Since then, I've always turned to God when I was lost. I turned to him when I was so lonely before I met Rob, I turned to him when I had my first pregnancy loss and those following, when the adoption looked so bleak and so many other times in my life. I always accepted that God had a plan for me, and though I may not understand it, it had purpose, meaning... At our wedding, I had the vocalist sing about how God causes all things to come to gather for our good. It meant something to me. I had learned that while life was sometimes rough, there was a greater purpose at work. I thought God knew best and simply accepted it for what it was.

As this terrible year, the worst of my life has progressed, I've gotten progressively angrier. Why was He doing this to me? Intellectually, I knew God wasn't doing anything, that's just the fallen world we live in. But in my heart I felt like it was being done *to* me. Why let me get pregnant if I wasn't going to be able to keep it? Why not protect me from that? Especially after coming to peace that I wouldn't get pregnant again. It seemed so cruel to me.

But most of all, why make me this way, so very broken, both in body and mind? The more broken my body becomes, the more my mind and spirit seem to break. I feel so very fragile now, like it would take so very little to just shatter what's left of me.

In the weeks leading up to Christmas, I felt some peace. It's impossible not to think of God and be drawn to him with so many messages sent your way, the constant reminder of the birth of Jesus, Emmanuel, God with us. Surely God would be with me again? But about a week before Christmas it came to me. God has abandoned me. My broken body surely can't be worth his attention. Perhaps he made me like this because I simply didn't deserve better? I remember the moment... God must not only not love me, He must hate me... Why else would I be suffering this way? I couldn't' wait for Christmas to be over so I didn't have to think about it. It hurt too much.

I feel like a hypocrite going to church now, playing on the worship band. But I'm too embarrassed to back out. How do you explain that God has abandoned you? And surely he still loves my kids? They need God. I can't possibly take that from them.

So I continue to be at a crossroads, not sure how to heal myself, where to go. I've always prayed in the past. I know that God doesn't always answer our prayers the way we want. But I don't know what to do when He is completely silent. I feel like I've tried to be fair, I've prayed to either get pregnant or that the desire be removed from my heart. Surely, I was being open to God's will? But that wasn't good enough for Him, and so I am faced with this alone.

I try to find comfort where I can. My husband has turned over a new leaf, willing to lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on. His compassion gives me strength. But I hate to burden him too much. Whiny people annoy me, I can only imagine how bad I have been and continue to be. (It's one of the reasons I don't write here more.) Having a little son who needs me so much helps too. He gives the best hugs. When his little arms wrap around me, I feel alive again and the pain is gone if just for an instant.

I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, hoping, but no longer praying, that the adage has some basis. Please time, do your thing, and soon?