Finding Forgiveness

I have a ton of things to do today, really, I am swamped. It's kind of crazy

I am suppose to leave for a women's retreat in less than three hours, I have two loads of laundry to do, I need to cook meatballs for an early dinner, to clean the house(kitchen, bathroom family room etc) before my MIL comes to babysit tomorrow and I needed to run an errand that takes me almost an hour round trip. Oh, and I need to pack for the afore mentioned retreat and get the kids to the babysitting co-op by 6:00 in rush hour traffic.

So I'm in the car running my errand, N. whining a bit in the background about how he really wants ice cream, and my dad calls on my cell. Can I come over to sit with my mom for a few hours? Today? My breath just kind of catches - my dad almost NEVER asks me for help. How bad was it this time? Did something happen? He's asking for help, it must be really bad. Are we going back into the hospital for the 3rd time in 5 weeks time?

I don't have time, it's the worse timing and it's just one more thing to add on to my very stressful life. But I hesitate for about a half second, rearrange my schedule in my head and say, "Of course."

And really, I'm happy to do it. Maybe not happy, per se, but relieved that in this un-winnable situation my parents find themselves in, I can in some way help. Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things if my MIL sees my house messy....again? Or that I don't go to a retreat I was anxious about attending in the first place? It seems silly when faced with the chance to have compassion for someone else.

But wait, haven't I written adnauseum about how I am angry at my mom for what she has done (or rather hasn't done) to her body? to our family? How I've emotionally removed myself from her? Yes, I wrote many times about that.

I mean, it seems she is always getting worse. Every time this happens, I ask myself how it is that continually manages to hold on yet again. I've had more than one Christmas where I have thought "this is the last one." I've said goodbye in my heart over andover again. It's really no wonder I've removed myself emotionally.... how many times can you prepare yourself for the worse only to start over again (hmmm, where have I heard that theme before?)

But one night a few weeks ago, as I sat with her in the hospital (she won't allow anyone but me or my dad to sit with her), I came to some realizations. I was holding her hand and telling her it was OK to cry, that it was a good way to let the stress and sadness leave your body. This was something I knew all too well

Somewhere in that process, the child became the parent and the parent became the child and I found not only forgiveness in my heart, but compassion as well. And something changed in me. Maybe it's because I am so emotionally vulnerable (weak?) right now. Maybe because this time it really could be the end, maybe it's because I'm getting older, my kids are getting older or it's a chance to do some good in what is becoming a bleaker and bleaker world for me.

But I think the main reason is because I realized my mom *got* me. Back up a sec here... I've always regretted not having a close relationship with her. I wanted one, but I didn't seem to be the kind of person she needed me to be, and she wasn't the person I needed her to be. t resented her for that. For not being there when I needed her. The thing is, in the grand scheme of things, I survived. So I didn't have a shopping buddy, or a grandmother who could buddy around with my kids. But in the end I got something so much more important.

In the quiet of those nights at the hospital, despite the terrible physical pain she was in, she asked me how the last IUI went. It's so raw and festering right now, I couldn't help but tear up and confess I just couldn't manage to get pregnant, and how I couldn't' get away from the desire much as I wanted to. I don't know why, because she's never gotten me before, but this she seemed to get. With few words expressed between us, she seemed to sense the depth of my pain and she not only understood it, she validated it and she mourned with me. We just sat there, the two us and for the first time in many years, understanding each other, and I felt at peace with my mom.

I could feel the forgiveness wash over me like a waterfall, and a part of me felt like a weight had been lifted.

It totally sucks to be in the position she's in, and there is nothing she can do to change it. She has to sit there and let the various diseases take her body, her dignity, her life, inch by inch. Will she ever realize her own role in that process, I don't know, but what's done is done. Did I have a right to be angry? Maybe. But I've learned that you can't explain feelings away, or sort them into bins....these feelings are OK to have, these feelings are not OK to have, these feelings, I shouldn't be feeling, these feelings are justified etc etc etc

You feel what you feel. And despite what I thought, forgiveness is always possible, even when you think it will never happen.

So I am going to make the meatballs so my family can eat tonight, and hopefully clean my kitchen, then head over to my moms to sit with her. The retreat can wait. The laundry can wait, and my MIL can see my messy family room and bathroom.

I'm going to go sit with my mom.