It's from the Shawshank Redemption which is a favorite movie of mine. Initially, I thought it really had nothing to do with what I was going to write about today. It just popped into my mind when I sat down at the keyboard. I didn't think it meant anything, or did it?
I've been gone again, I know but for good reason. My time is split now, trying to help my dad (grocery shop, take down a Christmas tree, clean, cook etc) but also going to the hospital to visit my mom, a two hour round trip for me.
I hate those visits. Mostly, because I hate seeing my mom that way. She doesn't know it yet, but she is going to lose her foot which will confine her to a wheel chair at best. She keeps forgetting that her toes have already died, but that she is not strong enough to survive the amputation surgery. But that's not even why she was admitted. She's there because her hemoglobin became dangerously low because she was bleeding into her intestines. This is a side effect of the blood thinners meant to help her save her limbs. Yup, that's working great.
She goes in and out of lucidity. Sometimes, she just forgets where she is. Her blood sugar, even when on a clear liquids no sugar diet was still hovering at 400. She gets breathing treatments several times a day - her lungs are filled with fluid from all the transfusions. Her heart (remember, she has a pacemaker/defibrillator already) is feeling the stress and went into v-tach for 51 beats one night. Her already bad vision worsened going very dark either from the bleeding or the morphine or who knows, and her hearing is described as a 3 on scale of 10. She can no longer use the bathroom by herself, nor feed herself and was actually in adult diaper for a few days (seriously? they are too busy for bedpans? really?)
Those are all horrible things, but what I hate most, and what sticks with me the most is the look of defeat in her eyes. One night, she just looked at me and said "don't do this to yourself."
You could have knocked me over with a truck.
What did she mean? Does she realize she could have taken better care of herself? Was she warning me away from the same fate? AFter all, I am at risk of type 2 diabetes which can often be avoided with good diet and exercise. ( Btw, she has type 1, she could not have done anything to void it) Did she sense I was mad at her all those years for not taking care of herself, for taking herself away from her grandchildren?
I don't know, and I never will. I really didn't know what to say. I just reassured her, told her I was taking care of myself. She knows I exercise, watch what I eat, see Dr.'s regularly for check ups and to monitor my A1C level. Mine is currently at a very healthy level of 4.5.
I wanted to tell her that I think of this all the time, every morning when I pack lunches instead of allowing my kids to buy "cheese substitute" pizza at school, every time I grocery shop and plan our evening meals, every afternoon when my kids ask for a snack. And most importantly, every time the phone rings, and my heat skips a beat as I hold my breath waiting.....Is this the call that will tell me she has finally lost her battle? Something that I am irrationally angry about too.
But I didn't. I didn't say any of those things. She deserves peace. So I just sat there like I usually do, holding her hand. You see, she is less afraid when me or my dad holds her hand.
So much is out of our control. You can't do anything about getting in a car accident, or getting cancer or getting on a plane that might crash. Those things are simply a horrible part of life you sometimes just can't avoid. But you *CAN* control how you live. So you can't run a marathon? Big deal, go for a walk. You don't have a gym membership? Take your kids to the park and play tag or chase them on the monkey bars. Can't afford Yoga class? Play a good game of Twister with your family. (This is hilarious, btw, when you cheat and make your husband do the hardest moves available....er, um...so I've heard)
And of course, such a simple choice - always always always check the labels of what you eat. If it has high fructose corn syrup on the label, put it back on the shelf. You can do so much better for you and your family. It's up to you, you can take control at least of this aspect of your life.
Get busy living, or get busy dying.
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