Tears from the Heart

I'm afraid I won't have much time to write here much in the coming weeks. I am still trying to cover what shifts I can at the hospital.

Status for my mom....The reason she only made it 10 or so hours in rehab is because the mysterious infection was identified. She has sepsis. It was so bad, I found out yesterday, that she nearly did not make it out of the ER. Supreme efforts from the ER staff kept her alive.

It took a family friend, one without my mother's other health problems nearly two years to recover from Sepsis. And now my mom has it? On top of diabetes, congestive heart failure, chron's disease, rheumatoid arthritis, peripheral artery disease and now sepsis?

I mean, oh my gosh. How much can one endure?

I am meeting with the Palliative team today to help decide my mother's fate. I hate hate hate having to have these conversation with my dad. In my heart, I feel like it's time to end her suffering and let her go. She's not getting better. She just stares at the ceiling now, or says over and over "I"m scared." Sometimes she obsesses over things, like why is there a string (censor) or her finger and she often says, "Tell me why I am here again?"

She is refusing some treatments including a bipap mask to help her breath (it's not just for sleep apnea patients. It actually works like a ventilator and not only forces air down, but brings the air out again). Without the bipap to help her, her carbon monoxide levels are rising, every day they talk of intubating.

Her foot is dying more and more each day. It's an image I will never forget as long as I live and all I can think is, what limb is next? She has PAD and diabetes, it's only a matter of time. She keeps forgetting that her toes have died, she doesn't know yet that she will lose her foot. Thankfully, she doesn't remember. My dad thinks she would rather die than lost her foot.

But my dad cannot let go yet, he wants to keep fighting, for her to keep fighting. Can I blame him really? I can't imagine losing Rob. My mom and Dad have been together almost 50 years.

And really, how does one make these decisions? What if I am wrong? What if we sign the papers and we're wrong and she can get better? But we don't give her that chance?

It's breaking my heart. In my lifetime of 43 years, I've seen my dad cry just a hand full of times...when my sister died, when we almost lost mom before. Now I hear him crying almost daily and it's almost as painful as watching my mom suffer.

Talk about tears from the heart....



Cry from my head again
tears that come from thoughts of leaving
never end
Cry from my head again
tears that come from thoughts of loosing
never end
But when I cry from my heart
tears from my heart
My breast sighs opens like a flower in the bloom
Soft petals, yield to reveal your face
as they bend, from your weight
you reach within for nectar
tears from my heart
tears from my heart
I weep
not from my head
but from deep within my heart
Now when I cry from my heart
tears from my heart
lightening strikes, violet and bright
piercing the dark corners of my room
words dissolve, only your image tender
sweetly stings, burns apart
you reach within for nectar
tears from my heart
tears from my heart
I weep
not from my head
but from deep within my heart

Music by Steve Stewart, Lyrics by Weba Garretson, arranged by Ken Lasaine