Mom Monday

I think for awhile I'm going to use Mondays to talk about my mom.  I'm hoping the more I talk about her, and the more Mondays that pass, the less I will feel the ache in my heart.  It still feels like she is just away on a trip and she will come home to us any day now.

(me and mom on a cruise together, just the two of us)

We celebrated my brother's 47th birthday yesterday.  Without mom.  It was very bittersweet.... I think more the bitter than the sweet.

I've mentioned before that my brother is mentally handicapped and lives with my parents. I guess  now just my Dad.  Obviously, he's taken my mom's death badly.  It's been hard for him to understand why she had to go away, hard for us to really explain to him why and how she died.

Hell, I think all of us our wondering the same thing.

But we must forge ahead, so we planned his birthday. My Dad asking all kinds of questions... "How do I make Kenny's favorite (Angel Food cake), when do I take it out of the pan, do I use a table cloth? I bought cool whip to put on the cake."  He says he talks to her throughout the day, wishing he had paid more attention to what she did in the kitchen.  He asks her, "what are all these bottles for, how do I  make that soup we love , and what do I do with this tarragon?  And yes he too asks her, "why did you leave me?"

He mentioned to me that maybe that all died along with her.  Ugh, talk about breaking my heart.  I'm not sure what's harder, feeling my own grief or watching him mourn his best friend of 50 years.

Dad, just use a mix, that's what Mom did.  Cool it in the pan for 10-15 minutes then dump it, the table cloths are in the hutch and Dad, I'll bring heavy cream to make whip cream, put a bowl in the freezer for me don't use cool whip.

(That's not real food. With all this sickness and tragedy for pet's sake,  let us never forget, let thy food be thy medicine.)

I told him I know how to make the soup he loves, and the salad dressing and most of his other favorites.  Like I 've been teaching him to cook these last several  months, I will continue to help him learn their favorites (maybe with more natural ingredients though?).

So I tell him, Dad, we won't forget them (and I think or her), and by the way, in all my years of cooking, I've never used tarragon, so don't worry about that, nor all the other bottles. We'll figure it out one day at a time.

But I can't answer that last one Dad, I don't know why she had to leave us.  And I miss her too.

PS - I made this little arrangement from the flowers from her funeral.  It will be a small memento to remind us of what we lost, or maybe what we were lucky enough to have in the first place.