Egg transfer and results

Sorry it's taken so long to update, but well, it's been a long several weeks.  I had to get my mind strong enough to actually be able to write this.  Obviously it does not end well.

I'll start with the egg transfer.  When I got there, they had me change into the usual hair covering, hospital gown and footies and wait in the surgical area.  I had my bladder uncomfortably full and was frankly miserable.  The bloating had gotten so bad, my stomach was protruding and I had gained 5 lbs. IT pushed against my bladder making me regularly miserable.  It was so bad, I couldn't stand up directly without pain, I had to slowly straighten as my insides made room for everything to shift.

There was another girl waiting so I was really miserable. I actually had to get up and pee a couple of times just to relieve the pressure.  They gave me a cup so I would know when to stop. I couldn't imagine waiting for another 1/2 hour. For whatever reason, they took me first.  I was grateful.

I got in there and it was the same as the mock transfer and retrieval, except I was fully awake.  I had forgotten to take pain reliever before hand which was a big mistake.  It's not that the procedure really hurts, but with the bloating, it really did.  I was so miserable.  She had to push down on the bloating to with the ultrasound device.  I just did deep breathing and waited for it to be over.  It didn't help that he tried twice with the speculum only to discover he needed a longer one....boy was that fun.

They did show me on the screen where the transferred embryo was, which was kind of cool, and gave me an ultrasound picture of it.  I was startled at how my heart tugged looking at it.  I so wished it would turn into my child.

I left with instructions to take it easy, no sex for two weeks and no physical activity for a couple of days.  No lifting more than 5 lbs.

As it turned out, the bloating just got worse.  Within days I was adding  more weight and by my check up Mon (transfer was Sat) I could barely move I was so bloated.  They ended up taking a "blood count" to see if my  blood was getting too thick, putting me at risk for clotting and renal failure.

You see, the bloating is really water from the blood stream collecting in your abdomen. The blood count would tell them if if I was any danger.  If that was the case, they would send me to hospital to have a catheter put in with a bag outside my body I could wear under my clothes.  Apparently, some RE's choose to drain with a needle.  However, my RE said this was just a quick fix as the fluid would just collect again.  The catheter would be a much better solution.

At this point I was on almost complete bed rest.  I just couldn't move very well.  Between Sat and Mon I had gained another 5 lbs and I just looked bad from what people told me.

I drank tons of gaterade and ate salty foods to help draw the fluid out.  This was bad advice for me.  AS it may have worked for some woman, it just made me retain the fluid.  I stopped the salty foods and added green tea to the mix and the fluid started draining on it's own.  By Wed's scan, I was much better and had lost 4 lbs.

The bloating slowly got better and better, but it took a good three weeks before I was closer to my normal body size.  Still seem to be holding onto a couple of those pounds though.  I think all that inactivity made me gain real weight - bummer.

Unfortunately, it just gets worse.  The embryo did not implant, and to add insult to injury ALL the embryos died.  Nothing made it freezing so the FET's are off the table too, unless we try to find a donor egg somewhere.  yeah good luck with that.  Like someone wants to give a 44 year old mother their egg.  Just like adoption, no one would choose me.

I have been heartsick and discouraged.  I feel like it's a sign I am too old that not even one made it to freezing.  My heart is so broken and I just don't understand why God has placed this burden on me.

I've decided to take at least one month off to let my body heal and recover.  I may even take two, but not more than that.  It's so scary going into this next cycle, the only other "fresh" try in our package because now I have the knowledge that I can go through all this, and not have an embryo even make it to transfer stage.  I've got to work up my courage for that kind of disapointment and heartbreak.

I keep telling myself it's just not fair and once again I am resenting all the women around me who can simply decide to have another child. Why do I have to wait for a miracle that won't even happen?