Weary

I feel like there are a 1000 women out there just like me, and I write the truth here for them. I am not yet gung-ho Paleo, days like today, especially. I flip flop. Why am I doing this? Why am I doing this?

Initially, I was in it to try and get pregnant. As the weeks go by, and I creep closer and closer to 43, I think, this is never going to happen. It's a pipe dream and stupid of me to think I could ever get pregnant again at my age, Paleo or not. Old eggs are just old eggs and no amount of lean protein, healthy fat and vegetables is going to fix that. Battling the meds, battling my husband, doing the procedures. It's like I am always fighting some invisible enemy, and I am growing weary. I feel all alone.

I've always said, a big part of being a mom is fighting for your children, advocating for them. I tell moms-trying-to-be that their fight just starts earlier and they get lots of practice. They have to fight to ovulate, and then fight for that little embryo to implant and grow. So many end in miscarriage and we have to just get up, dust ourselves off and start the fight....again.

I feel in my heart and soul, there is a child out there waiting for me. In my mind, I see him walking along with God who quietly says in his ear "not yet." If I give up now, am I letting him down? And why is it, with three pieces of my heart missing already, why does it keep fighting? Is my sadness driving me, or that little child? Why can't I quietly just walk away? This cycle is looking to be a big bust too, and after that, I only have two more tries, possibly three if I am extremely lucky and then it's all over. The money runs out as does my husband's patience. Then what?

What's to become of Paleo?

Did I try it just to become pregnant? Or is there a greater good here? I've always said it's both a husband's and a wife's, the dad and mom role, to take their health and well being seriously. Their life is no longer their own once those vows are said. They become part of the greater good and have a responsibility to the others in the family.

My mom's illness is such a burden to my dad which he lovingly does. I can understand that. If Rob became seriously ill or disabled, I would be at his side the entire time. But it is a huge job and I feel badthat I can't help more. My sister lives in another state and my brother is a retarded adult who still needs care himself, so my dad bears the brunt. But more than the physical burden, my children can't go see their grandmother for months at a time. Her immune system is so compromised at this point, that the slightest cold or sniffle can send her to the hospital and put her life in danger.

She can't walk with them to the park. She can't take them to the mall. She can't even have them over for a tea party. Having them sit on her lap even, is out of the question. She's in too much pain from RA. Her arms and legs are brusied and she's always swollen and inflamed. She's young enough to enjoy her grandchildren, in her 60's, yet too sick. I can't think of a sadder thing to happen in life.

It's my dream one day to watch my children get married and to meet their babies, to *be* there for them. I want to watch them build their lives, baby sit their kids and grow old happy. But will I? Do I share my mother's fate? Unable to walk or play? Which leads me back to paleo....

Isn't it my responsibility, as a wife, as a mom, to do all I can to be there for my children? And their children? And to not become a burden to them or my husband? What if paleo can give me that? What if it works? But more I feel like it won't., No it's more accurate to say I don't have any faith that it will. I've spent my whole life trying different things to make me un-broken. From birth control pills to diets to counseling. Why will paleo be any different?

So it is day 17 and I am feeling weary. I've made a commitment to do this until Sept 1st, and I will honor that, but I am not feeling all happy inside. I'm discouraged. I feel weary. I don't have energy, I didn't feel instantly better, and I'm certainly not pregnant. I just want the month of July to be over with already so I can move on.

To be fair, I have to post the positives as well. To date, I've lost about 6 pounds while on Paleo (just half a pound shy of the 20 lb mark since I started in May) and I am not constantly hungry during the day. In fact, I woke up this morning and had to force myself to eat - I just wasn't in the mood. But I am off to the Y soon, and with glucophage running through my system, I need calories to exercise.

I just wish there was a crystal ball out there that could tell me what my future brings. And I am scared I am not strong enough to keep fighting.